My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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