Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
