I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
