I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
