Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
