the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I did not marry a roomba.
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