I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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