so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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