They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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