I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
