Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
