either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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