Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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