Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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