I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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