Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
