i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
