I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
