I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
