chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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