the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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