i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
