Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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