Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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