My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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