3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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