When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
