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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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