my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
