My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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