Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
