if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
