Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just high enough for therapy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
