I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
