I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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