i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
