ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
