I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
