Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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