Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
