So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
