he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
