Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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