I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
