I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
