I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize