got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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