I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
