so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
