her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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